Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize