You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
