I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
