So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
