I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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