dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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