Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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