I think my fart just growled at me.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
