Im at strip club and am horny
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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