I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
so let's talk penis.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
