remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
