You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
