FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
