If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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