You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
