I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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