I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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