need another drink. this is the easiest way
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
