Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
