Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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