fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
