Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I need help removing her.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
