I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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