Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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