and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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