his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
