Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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