I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
