I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
