If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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