One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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