i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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