My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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