He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
