On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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