Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
