Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
