Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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