The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
