so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
