I'm lost and stupid without you.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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