After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
