why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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