I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
