someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
