it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
