If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
