Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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