just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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