giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
